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The Mother of
All Muslim Organisations Page 32 In a bold stroke of genius – after
many a rapturous tahajjud prayer and one too many spicy kebabs –
veteran community leader Mullah
Charles BalasubramaniamnarasimhaRao, a really moderate British
Muslim, has announced the formation of the shiniest, happiest, least
controversial Muslim organisation. Muslim Umbrella Groups (MUGs) is the
mother of all Muslim organisations and it’s getting ready to declare
Khatm-e-MUGuwwat! The second incident happened about a week ago. I was at the BBC offices as an audience member for the recording of I’m Sorry I Haven’t a Clue, the popular panel game on Radio 4. I stepped out to get a bit of fresh air, and happened to notice our dear leader Tony Blair in the studio next to ours. I knew it was radio, but the man had a thick layer of studio make-up. I realised with leadership like this, I had to take a stand. Here I am, now, speaking to all of you here in the hallowed halls of Zeenat Sweet Centre, to launch what is arguably the newest, shiniest and least controversial Muslim Organisation. We have kept this reputation so far by ensuring the Telegraph, the Daily Mail, Panorama and Kenan Malik are all kept away from this fragrant establishment and its dripping laddoos. We call ourselves Muslim Umbrella Groups (MUGs) because that is what we are, an umbrella group of Muslim umbrella groups. What does this mean? Firstly, the Muslim part. Muslim: A Muslim. The next part, the umbrella. An umbrella is a device used for temporary shade or shelter from precipitation. Finally, the group part. In this particular case, we can say that a group is a bunch of people who sing together, an ensemble, a rousing choir and suchlike, all singing from the same nasheed sheet. We have taken it upon ourselves to represent and speak on behalf of Muslim umbrella groups, in the same way they speak as a representative body on behalf of Muslims all the time. We noticed that it is easier to speak on behalf of institutions as studies have shown political acumen is inversely proportional to institutional diversity. By using these long words you can see we are a serious organisation. Who are our members? Who are our members I hear you ask? Well, as well as the familiar faces of umbrella groups such as the Muslim Council of Britain, the Union of Muslim Organisations, the British Muslim Forum and our newest member, the Sufi Muslim Council, we also have some challenging new faces. Due to a hastily inserted clause in our constitution, we are also representing umbrella makers of the Muslim faith. As a founding member, we welcome the prestige of being sponsored this evening by Shahjahan Ali Dittah’s Umbrella Emporium. Umbrella groups are keen to lobby, and to have photo-calls and arrange press conferences. But who is looking after their interests? Who is speaking on their behalf? History is repeating itself. When we look back at the launch of the MCB, it was set up in response to the myriad of organisations that represented Muslims in the 1970s and 1980s. Organisations like the Union of Muslim Organisations, and FOSIS and the Muslim Parliament had a long pedigree of Muslim community work. As the website of the MCB states, “Thus by the mid-1990s, a variety of representative bodies had evolved within the British Muslim community to respond to both general and specific concerns and crises.” Khatm-e-Muguwwat: first, last and final umbrella group We are now in the same place, so a new organization must rise and take its rightful place in the British Muslim scene. However, as an umbrella group is also a group, we are duty bound to serve ourselves. We also declare “Khatm-e-Muguwwat”, in other words the “finality of the Muslim Umbrella Groups”, after us there can be no other umbrella group of umbrella groups. We are the first, last and final umbrella group of umbrella groups. Our members are already successful, and we follow their example by doing as little work as possible. For example, the Sufi Muslim Council have government support without any policies or history of community involvement. They also claim to speak for the “silent majority” which pleases us because it mops up any individuals who have been leading empty lives by not yet affiliating to an umbrella group. We support all the policies of our members, no matter how eccentric or mutually contradictory. Muslim personal law is a fine idea. Muslims should be allowed to conduct ritual sacrifices in our kitchen with having to apply for oppressive health and safety and DEFRA licences. Let us slaughter our dumb beasts in our own way! We aim to be totally British, and totally Muslim. In terms of our Britishness, we applaud the painting of the English flag on a little Somali child’s face. As our first campaign announcement I would like to announce that we advocate all Muslims coming from abroad should have the union jack painted on their face. This is a least they can do to show loyalty to Britain. “Muslims without links” campaign In terms of our islamicity, we as a community of communities have been afflicted by the streak of extremism. As any organic entity, self preservation is at our core and to this end we are announcing a Muslims without links campaign. This will encourage Muslims to detach from the old ways of doing things: being fond of Arabic, eating strange cuts of meat, smoking those noisy pipes and basically, living apart in spicy ghettos. We encourage all Muslims to break links to existing groups and to rely solely on the UK Government. Ruth Kelly, Minister for Sufistic Types, will help calm your inner rage. Gordon Brown, our Minister for Dour Mortgages, will ensure your income will be halal. Even John Reid, the minister for Enjoining Good and Forbidding Evil will ensure your families will be safe from murderous foreign types whose loyalty has not been painted on. Our action plan Never in our history have Muslims been under such scrutiny as today. Take our women for example. We are faced with the opposing images of secular feminists and militant hijabis. Of course, it is wrong to stereotype as the vast majority of Muslim women fall in between, in a kind of secular feminist fiqh-based argumentative hijabi morass. This is causing headaches for Muslims and non-Muslims alike. So, sponsored by Monsoon, we are advocating a third way. A vision of Islamic femininity based on chic ethnic-inspired berets and polar necked jumpers. We need to move away from the saris and cropped haircuts or swathes of shapeless silk. The Monsoon catalogue is available in the foyer, next to the rasmalai. The womenses are not the only section of our society under pressure. Muslim youth are also under tremendous strain from the media, from their parents and from society at large. To win them over, we feel they need one-to-one attention and nurturing. We are encouraging Stephen Timms, the Minister for Muslim Youth, to undertake this task of speaking to all 1 million of your young children on an individual basis. His track record speaks for itself. But he is not the only man who is helping us in our fight for a fairer, nicer, apple-pie Britain. We denounce extremism! Begone extremism, you have no place here! Get thee away from here extremism! Our fight against extremism will be threefold. One, to place Ouija boards and taweezes across the UK to fight extremism on a metaphysical level. Séances and gatherings will be held to encourage people to cast evil out from within. Secondly, we encourage home-grown imams by having growing bags of mulch sponsored by B&Q. Organic halal homegrown imams are vital for the well being of our nation. The third strand involves tackling the extremists in our midst physically. We will hug all extremists until they are uncomfortable with their deviant ideologies. We are convinced prolonged hugs until they are sticky and tired will make them change their minds. They need our love. They will come to the same conclusion I have: only deodorants and close, personal love can defeat terrorism. Thanks to our unique membership, Muslim Umbrella Groups covers the whole of the Muslim population. We need your support so that in the future, we can look back and say, yes, we were all MUGs together. |